In a nutshell, Keith Lemon: The Film (a title that is about as interesting or thought through as anything in the actual film) is like an issue of Hello magazine (or Hi, or Nuts, or OK, or Onan, or any one of the numerous faceless celeb-spotting rags out there) edited by the Beano, after it’s had too much fizzy pop and got itself all excited.
Be warned Urban Dictionary has Lemon: the Definition, as “A lame person or thing”.
Life is way too short to watch Keith Lemon: The Film, really. It has no coherent plot, it is horribly childish, actually scratch that, children would consider it childish (does that make it infantile?). It’s rude in a lewd way that would disappoint adolescents and make a Carry On film sneer, it’s crude, it’s coarse and (somehow) it’s mind-numbingly dull.
Stay away from Keith Lemon: the man, and Keith lemon: the Film.
For the sake of parity Keith Lemon: the man, is comedian Leigh (Bo’ Selecta) Francis’s, alter ego. Lemon is, god only knows why, hugely popular on TV character, most famous for his comedy panel show Celebrity Juice, which must be why such a litany of celebs walk, lemming-like into this embarrassment, led by the Judas sheep of Fearne Cotton.
In the used car trade “a lemon” is an awful purchase, as once you realise what you’ve bought, your face screws up in discomfort, muck like it would when you bite into a lemon. Can you recognise a theme with lemons?
The (alleged plot) of Keith Lemon: the Film focuses on the rags to riches midlife crisis story of Keith Lemon: the businessman (failed businessman), who was most successful in 1993, when he won the prestigious Businessman of the Year award for his securi-pole. Don’t ask what that’s about, I don’t care to remember. Things take a turn for the better when he invents a phone with a light up lemon (the fruit) on the back. This eureka moment leads Lemon: the man to an A-List Hollywood celebrity lifestyle and a relationship with Kelly Brook.
At this point it’s worth mentioning that Francis co-wrote the film (with Paul Angunawela), and I, for one won’t begrudge him writing a self-pleasuring relationship with Kelly Brook into the script. But I do begrudge him inflicting this film on poor innocent film reviewers (the only people outside his immediate family likely to watch this turd.)
Thank God lemons aren’t the only fruit – go and see anything else. Or stay home and pair your socks!
To save anyone from having to watch Keith Lemon: The Film, this is effectively it; lisping, Peter Andre, joke rejected from the 1980’s, Fearne Cotton, lingerie, weak joke, Emma Bunton silly accent, Jedward, male nudity, Gary Barlow, slapstick, Emma Bunton, regional stereotype, Melanie Chisholm, Lemon: man / fruit mix up, Fearne Cotton, stupidity, Gino D’Acampo, crap joke, Jason Donovan, “crap” joke, David Hasselhoff, lemon; the fruit, Vernon Kay, really long monologue about Rambo First Blood (WHICH ISN’T FUNNY!!!), Ronan Keating, a second stab at a joke from earlier, Paddy McGuinness, breasts, Chris Moyles, audience loses will to live, Billy Ocean (!), Phillip Schofield, audience prays for death’s sweet release, Tinchy Stryder, desperate sobbing in the screening room, Holly Willoughby, boob gags, audience “gags”, Denise van Outen, Fearne Cotton and (FINALLY) the outtakes.
The (admittedly amusing) outtakes simply look like the rich and beautiful famous people (and Keith Lemon: the man) are laughing at us mere plebs sat in the dark.
I want my money back!