Horror Movies, by Mike Richardson, 18 August 2012

Director: John Gulager

Stars: Danielle Panabaker, David Hasselhoff and Matt Bush

Country: USA

Runtime: 83 min

Release Date:

Language: English

Way back in 1975 a little film called Jaws came along and changed the face of cinema for ever. An unworthy successor and distant cousin of that film is Piranha 3DD, and in case you’re not sure what DD is, rest assured that the vast majority of female cast members are shall we say “top heavy” which is clear barometer of just how highbrows this film is.

Piranha 3DD

Piranha 3DD

This sequel picks up in Arizona where a huge waterpark is opening, coincidently very same weekend that the prehistoric fish from the original piranha film decide to reappear. Fish plus water plus breasts equals Piranha 3-D and if you were attracted by the title you wont be repelled by the film.

It’s not a perfect film, Piranha 3DD makes its first mistake by taking so long to get through to the action, although Jaws didn’t have the shark’s head break surface until the final third, there was sufficient menace, suspense and interest to keep everyone riveted until the rubbery looking fish popped up. Piranha 3DD waits and waits and waits until it delivers the carnivorous fish money shots, although you do get a couple of decent cameos, Gary Busey and Christopher Lloyd especially, cropping up to remind you that you are watching a film (a proper film).
The biggest cameo and the one that is trumpeted the loudest in the trailer is that of Mr Baywatch himself David Hasselhoff who seems to have sobered up (just) enough to make it through a few scenes as, a classic bit of self-parody, a celebrity lifeguard.

The Hoff is even afforded Stephen Spielberg’s patented reverse zoom track used to such great effect with Roy Schneider in the original Jaws, before calling a child, “a little ginger moron”. It barely counts as acting but you don’t want the Hoff playing anybody but the Hoff in a movie like this, and the fact that he’s such a good sport that he’ll allow his ex-pecs to wobble in slow motion as he runs to the Baywatch theme (and swear) is worth the admission price on its own.

The biggest human star involved in the proceedings is Ving Rames who, despite pocketing a reported $7 million for Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol turns up in this trashy horror as the Sheriff who lost his legs to the fish in an earlier film and has had his missing pins replaced with automatic weapons (as you do).
If belly laughs, tacky lines, cheesey cameos and excessively big mammaryies tickle your fancy this film is an absolute hoot.

But with a title like Piranha 3DD you have no excuse for seeing this thing expected to be anything other than what it is. This means sit down and get settled, maybe have a few beers and watch a ridiculous film in all its rubber finned glory.
6/10

Piranha 3DD Trailer

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